yesterday, day 2, was okay. i abstained from eating between meals and only ate when i was hungry but i feel like i ate to much at my meals so that is an area i am going to need to work on.
today i have already messed up even though i was telling myself you do not need that you have already had breakfast i ate it anyway. I am feeling confused and sad today cause i am so torn i have some huge decisions to make in my life and it is a decision that will change the entire course of my life but i am starting to think it is a very necessary decision to make. I am really going to try to not eat my feelings today. its okay to feel sad and its okay to feel confused and angry i need to let myself feel these feelings so that i will know its okay and i will make it and God will be with me and see me through whatever this crazy life throws at me. I am just praying that when the time comes to make my decision God shows me what i need to do and gives me strength to do what is necessary.
so my goals today are to abstain from overeating for the remainder of the day and to allow myself to feel whatever i need to feel and know that its okay.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
this is hard
day 1 was a success i abstained from over eating all day and only ate when i was hungry. i am really proud of myself it feels so good to have control. today I am striving for the same thing but it seems its going to much more difficult today. i am having strong urges to binge so i am really trying to explore why i am feeling that way. this is such a pattern for me i will do really well one day than the next day i seem to fail. Why do sabotage myself?? Why do i not have enough self worth to stay on track? Am i eating to keep feelings i dont want to feel from coming out? i do notice on days where i want to binge i also feel like crying all day. Could this be connected? I pray one day soon i will be able to answer all these questions and be healed from this awful disease that has control over my life. all i can do is try not to think about weight lose or dieting or the number on the scale and just take this one day, hour, min and second at a time.
so today i will pray, read and tell myself i am worth it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference, Amen
so today i will pray, read and tell myself i am worth it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference, Amen
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
starting over
wow its been a long time since i blogged but i woke up this morning feeling so overwhelmed by the urge to do this. writing can be so therapeutic!!!!
The concept of a food addiction can be so foreign to most people but not me. my addiction is so strong and so overpowering that it scares me. i have known for years i have a food addiction but never really acknowledged it. I will sometimes watch intervention or shows like that on tv and see myself in those addicts. i make excuses for my eating, i hide my eating and i am ashamed of my eating habits. I am definitely a binge eater i tend to be able to control myself when people are around because i don't want them to see me like that. sometimes when i am alone i will eat until i am so full that my sides will hurt and i cant stand up straight literally. its such an awful way to live. i guess i am sharing this with you because i dont want to keep this secret any longer and i want to heal myself from this addiction so bad. i have been through the OA program and it helped for a while but i quit doing the work needed to maintain and we no longer have meetings here where i live (i want to start a meeting so bad) so today i am going to get my books out and start reading.
i am already farther along than some people with this addiction because i know the exact root of mine. sexual abuse, an emotionally absent father and a brother who verbally and physically abused me for a majority of childhood. As a result of all this childhood traumas i was very sexually active i was always looking for a way to feel loved. Ya know guilt is a very powerful emotion! guilt takes over my life, guilt of the sexual abuse, guilt of feeling unworthy of my fathers and brothers love and guilt of being to active to fast, and guilt from so very bad choices i have made in the last year or so, i wish i could let go of this guilt and give myself a break from all the pain i feel inside. so you see all this "feeds" my food addiction so to say. i try to stuff the feelings i guess or fill the void maybe? I dont know but its definitely time to start exploring this again and trying to obtain health mentally and physically.
so today i will get out my books and read and pray and will abstain from overeating !
The concept of a food addiction can be so foreign to most people but not me. my addiction is so strong and so overpowering that it scares me. i have known for years i have a food addiction but never really acknowledged it. I will sometimes watch intervention or shows like that on tv and see myself in those addicts. i make excuses for my eating, i hide my eating and i am ashamed of my eating habits. I am definitely a binge eater i tend to be able to control myself when people are around because i don't want them to see me like that. sometimes when i am alone i will eat until i am so full that my sides will hurt and i cant stand up straight literally. its such an awful way to live. i guess i am sharing this with you because i dont want to keep this secret any longer and i want to heal myself from this addiction so bad. i have been through the OA program and it helped for a while but i quit doing the work needed to maintain and we no longer have meetings here where i live (i want to start a meeting so bad) so today i am going to get my books out and start reading.
i am already farther along than some people with this addiction because i know the exact root of mine. sexual abuse, an emotionally absent father and a brother who verbally and physically abused me for a majority of childhood. As a result of all this childhood traumas i was very sexually active i was always looking for a way to feel loved. Ya know guilt is a very powerful emotion! guilt takes over my life, guilt of the sexual abuse, guilt of feeling unworthy of my fathers and brothers love and guilt of being to active to fast, and guilt from so very bad choices i have made in the last year or so, i wish i could let go of this guilt and give myself a break from all the pain i feel inside. so you see all this "feeds" my food addiction so to say. i try to stuff the feelings i guess or fill the void maybe? I dont know but its definitely time to start exploring this again and trying to obtain health mentally and physically.
so today i will get out my books and read and pray and will abstain from overeating !
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
another day
I had such a great but busy day today I was so glad to be back at work it was mad chaos as usual but I just love it I stay busy and I always feel so accomplished at the end of the day. I also stayed on target today as far as my weight loss journey goes I had my usual breakfast of lean gourmet pizza rolls, gross right but i dont eat breakfast until like 10 or 11, then for lunch i had half a sloppy joe sandwhich left over from last nights dinner and for supper we ordered pizza cause we were both so tired but I had one slice of cheese pizza and a breadstick so not to bad I guess.
I am not feeling real great today just kind of sluggish and hurting all over I hope this doesnt mean a flare up is coming :(
Not much to say today I need to head to bed and get ready for a new day tomorrow :)
I am not feeling real great today just kind of sluggish and hurting all over I hope this doesnt mean a flare up is coming :(
Not much to say today I need to head to bed and get ready for a new day tomorrow :)
Monday, January 18, 2010
Day 2
I noticed i failed to tell you all about myself yesterday in my first blog. I am a 31 year old wife and mother I have 2 beautiful daughters and a wonderful husband I work as a foreclosure specialist and believe it or not i really love my job and all the people i work with it is a high paced stressful job but it keeps me on my toes :)
Ok so on to my day, today was a pretty good day i was off work and the girls were out of school went to the doctor for a check up cause i am taking a drug called phentermine I know it is a highly controversial drug but I am taking it very short term just to jump start my weight loss and i am being closely monitored by my doctor. I am also doing weight watchers and excersing. I have lost a few pounds this month so i guess i am doing something right!
I am desperately trying to lose at least 20 punds by april. I am in my cousins wedding and the other 3 bridesmaids are thin and pretty I am scared i am going to look like a big blimp next to them. Now I am not extremely overweight but i could stand to lose about 40 pounds I am 5'11 so i am able to hide my weight well but I am so tired of trying to hide my weight and hoping for winter so i can wear my hoodies and sweat pants and then dreading summer cause i hate the way i look. I get up everyday and stress about what i am going to wear and how i look it just wears me out! Sundays are the worst cause i have put on weight in the last few months and none of my dress clothes fit me so i am always stressed and uptight on sunday mornings which tends to make my entire family stressed and angry and sometimes i think what is the point in getting up and going to church if it is just going to stress everyone out but then i remember that i need to be there hearing the words of my lord and savior and Bro Tim delivers it in such a way that moves me to tears almost everytime I hear him.
I feel so disconnected from the Lord right now i have for a few months I made some horrible choices these past few months that almost destroyed my family and I just can not seem to forgive myself and I definitley dont feel forgiven by God. I want so bad to have a time machine and go back and change it all. I know that God erases all of it and I am washed clean but dang it can he just help me forget cause it haunts me everyday which makes me want to eat cause that is how i comfort myself I wish i could find other ways. I pray everyday for relief from this pain in my soul. I give it to God everymorning when i get up and all day and then again before i go to bed I feel like I am begging for forgivness all the time when I know that i was forgiven the first time i asked, guess i need to forgive myself!
Well enough for today I am sure no one is reading this but i really like posting this it seems to help me and maybe just maybe i can touch someone elses life as well.
Lord help me to feel and know you and to trust in you, Lord help me to stay on track with my weight loss goals. In your preciouse name i pray! AMEN
Ok so on to my day, today was a pretty good day i was off work and the girls were out of school went to the doctor for a check up cause i am taking a drug called phentermine I know it is a highly controversial drug but I am taking it very short term just to jump start my weight loss and i am being closely monitored by my doctor. I am also doing weight watchers and excersing. I have lost a few pounds this month so i guess i am doing something right!
I am desperately trying to lose at least 20 punds by april. I am in my cousins wedding and the other 3 bridesmaids are thin and pretty I am scared i am going to look like a big blimp next to them. Now I am not extremely overweight but i could stand to lose about 40 pounds I am 5'11 so i am able to hide my weight well but I am so tired of trying to hide my weight and hoping for winter so i can wear my hoodies and sweat pants and then dreading summer cause i hate the way i look. I get up everyday and stress about what i am going to wear and how i look it just wears me out! Sundays are the worst cause i have put on weight in the last few months and none of my dress clothes fit me so i am always stressed and uptight on sunday mornings which tends to make my entire family stressed and angry and sometimes i think what is the point in getting up and going to church if it is just going to stress everyone out but then i remember that i need to be there hearing the words of my lord and savior and Bro Tim delivers it in such a way that moves me to tears almost everytime I hear him.
I feel so disconnected from the Lord right now i have for a few months I made some horrible choices these past few months that almost destroyed my family and I just can not seem to forgive myself and I definitley dont feel forgiven by God. I want so bad to have a time machine and go back and change it all. I know that God erases all of it and I am washed clean but dang it can he just help me forget cause it haunts me everyday which makes me want to eat cause that is how i comfort myself I wish i could find other ways. I pray everyday for relief from this pain in my soul. I give it to God everymorning when i get up and all day and then again before i go to bed I feel like I am begging for forgivness all the time when I know that i was forgiven the first time i asked, guess i need to forgive myself!
Well enough for today I am sure no one is reading this but i really like posting this it seems to help me and maybe just maybe i can touch someone elses life as well.
Lord help me to feel and know you and to trust in you, Lord help me to stay on track with my weight loss goals. In your preciouse name i pray! AMEN
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I have never done this before so here I go!
Today was just like any other sunday we got up went to church than lunch at the mexican resturant. I always enjoy brother Tim's sermons but today really got me thinking! He spoke on change and you see I dont like change at all, it scares me. I like things to stay the same so i know what i can expect with no surprises.
But is change really so bad? Not all changes are bad right? Is that part of the reason I wont allow myself to lose weight? I know what to do to get healthy but it would require a lot of changes, I think maybe i have hit the nail on the head LOL!!!
So i guess i am going to be blogging on my weight loss journey, my spiritual journey and how they both fit together. I have always been taught that my body is a temple and a home for Jesus Christ so why do i mistreat it? Why do I not see my body as a dwelling for my Lord and Savior and why do I not think it is important to treat it with respect?
Well thats enough to chew on for today LOL
goodnight and God bless!!!!
Today was just like any other sunday we got up went to church than lunch at the mexican resturant. I always enjoy brother Tim's sermons but today really got me thinking! He spoke on change and you see I dont like change at all, it scares me. I like things to stay the same so i know what i can expect with no surprises.
But is change really so bad? Not all changes are bad right? Is that part of the reason I wont allow myself to lose weight? I know what to do to get healthy but it would require a lot of changes, I think maybe i have hit the nail on the head LOL!!!
So i guess i am going to be blogging on my weight loss journey, my spiritual journey and how they both fit together. I have always been taught that my body is a temple and a home for Jesus Christ so why do i mistreat it? Why do I not see my body as a dwelling for my Lord and Savior and why do I not think it is important to treat it with respect?
Well thats enough to chew on for today LOL
goodnight and God bless!!!!
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