starting over

wow its been a long time since i blogged but i woke up this morning feeling so overwhelmed by the urge to do this. writing can be so therapeutic!!!!
The concept of a food addiction can be so foreign to most people but not me. my addiction is so strong and so overpowering that it scares me. i have known for years i have a food addiction but never really acknowledged it. I will sometimes watch intervention or shows like that on tv and see myself in those addicts. i make excuses for my eating, i hide my eating and i am ashamed of my eating habits. I am definitely a binge eater i tend to be able to control myself when people are around because i don't want them to see me like that. sometimes when i am alone i will eat until i am so full that my sides will hurt and i cant stand up straight literally. its such an awful way to live. i guess i am sharing this with you because i dont want to keep this secret any longer and i want to heal myself from this addiction so bad. i have been through the OA program and it helped for a while but i quit doing the work needed to maintain and we no longer have meetings here where i live (i want to start a meeting so bad) so today i am going to get my books out and start reading.
i am already farther along than some people with this addiction because i know the exact root of mine. sexual abuse, an emotionally absent father and a brother who verbally and physically abused me for a majority of childhood. As a result of all this childhood traumas i was very sexually active i was always looking for a way to feel loved. Ya know guilt is a very powerful emotion! guilt takes over my life, guilt of the sexual abuse, guilt of feeling unworthy of my fathers and brothers love and guilt of being to active to fast, and guilt from so very bad choices i have made in the last year or so, i wish i could let go of this guilt and give myself a break from all the pain i feel inside. so you see all this "feeds" my food addiction so to say. i try to stuff the feelings i guess or fill the void maybe? I dont know but its definitely time to start exploring this again and trying to obtain health mentally and physically.
so today i will get out my books and read and pray and will abstain from overeating !