Friday, April 15, 2011

moving past failure

yesterday, day 2, was okay. i abstained from eating between meals and only ate when i was hungry but i feel like i ate to much at my meals so that is an area i am going to need to work on.
today i have already messed up even though i was telling myself you do not need that you have already had breakfast i ate it anyway. I am feeling confused and sad today cause i am so torn i have some huge decisions to make in my life and it is a decision that will change the entire course of my life but i am starting to think it is a very necessary decision to make. I am really going to try to not eat my feelings today. its okay to feel sad and its okay to feel confused and angry i need to let myself feel these feelings so that i will know its okay and i will make it and God will be with me and see me through whatever this crazy life throws at me. I am just praying that when the time comes to make my decision God shows me what i need to do and gives me strength to do what is necessary.
so my goals today are to abstain from overeating for the remainder of the day and to allow myself to feel whatever i need to feel and know that its okay.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

this is hard

day 1 was a success i abstained from over eating all day and only ate when i was hungry. i am really proud of myself it feels so good to have control. today I am striving for the same thing but it seems its going to much more difficult today. i am having strong urges to binge so i am really trying to explore why i am feeling that way. this is such a pattern for me i will do really well one day than the next day i seem to fail. Why do sabotage myself?? Why do i not have enough self worth to stay on track? Am i eating to keep feelings i dont want to feel from coming out? i do notice on days where i want to binge i also feel like crying all day. Could this be connected? I pray one day soon i will be able to answer all these questions and be healed from this awful disease that has control over my life. all i can do is try not to think about weight lose or dieting or the number on the scale and just take this one day, hour, min and second at a time.
so today i will pray, read and tell myself i am worth it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference, Amen

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

starting over

wow its been a long time since i blogged but i woke up this morning feeling so overwhelmed by the urge to do this. writing can be so therapeutic!!!!
The concept of a food addiction can be so foreign to most people but not me. my addiction is so strong and so overpowering that it scares me. i have known for years i have a food addiction but never really acknowledged it. I will sometimes watch intervention or shows like that on tv and see myself in those addicts. i make excuses for my eating, i hide my eating and i am ashamed of my eating habits. I am definitely a binge eater i tend to be able to control myself when people are around because i don't want them to see me like that. sometimes when i am alone i will eat until i am so full that my sides will hurt and i cant stand up straight literally. its such an awful way to live. i guess i am sharing this with you because i dont want to keep this secret any longer and i want to heal myself from this addiction so bad. i have been through the OA program and it helped for a while but i quit doing the work needed to maintain and we no longer have meetings here where i live (i want to start a meeting so bad) so today i am going to get my books out and start reading.
i am already farther along than some people with this addiction because i know the exact root of mine. sexual abuse, an emotionally absent father and a brother who verbally and physically abused me for a majority of childhood. As a result of all this childhood traumas i was very sexually active i was always looking for a way to feel loved. Ya know guilt is a very powerful emotion! guilt takes over my life, guilt of the sexual abuse, guilt of feeling unworthy of my fathers and brothers love and guilt of being to active to fast, and guilt from so very bad choices i have made in the last year or so, i wish i could let go of this guilt and give myself a break from all the pain i feel inside. so you see all this "feeds" my food addiction so to say. i try to stuff the feelings i guess or fill the void maybe? I dont know but its definitely time to start exploring this again and trying to obtain health mentally and physically.
so today i will get out my books and read and pray and will abstain from overeating !